Transform Your Relationships: How Counseling Unlocks Stronger Bonds Through Communication and Emotional Healing
Relationship counselling can be helpful in many ways. For those struggling to navigate friendships, romantic partners, and many other forms of relationships, professional intervention can be beneficial. Therapy is a tool for creating a safe space for expression and exploration, and many people opt for individual therapy. The stigma around therapy has shifted from earlier times, signaling that something was unstable about seeking guidance. We know as a society there is still stigma, and in many cultures, the idea of therapy is a turn off, and many people may want to push issues under the rug and not healthily approach them. By not facing problems head-on, we as humans only hurt ourselves and those we love, since we cannot show up fully in the ways our peers and lovers need. Relationship counseling can help strengthen communication, resolve conflicts, and teach individuals how to advocate for their needs in therapy effectively. These reasons are not an exhaustive list of what can be accomplished, but they set the groundwork for future discussion in this post to help illuminate the necessity for seeking guidance when things get rough.
In this post, we will focus on evidence-based principles that help understand the factors affecting dynamics in relationships and how a professional may guide those obstacles. Many couples often give up when it gets rough. When it gets rough, it’s not an excuse to push away, but to pull in closer and build something even stronger. Our society places value on the good times, but what about the times things get difficult to navigate? How have you needed to navigate something difficult in your life? Feel free to share in the comments or email us, and we will share how you overcame it with the Penny Minus readers; it may just help someone without you knowing. One of the tools in counseling is EFT, which is emotion-focused therapy. EFT helps people identify and process emotions while changing negative interaction patterns. EFT benefits relationships because it allows partners to share in a safe space what they are feeling and how to support one another in those emotions, while processing together when it is hard to distinguish exactly what the emotion is caused by or why it lingers and becomes an ongoing topic. When finding a therapist, strive for an enhanced therapeutic alliance. Meta-analysis has shown that when therapists share emotions about the relationship or guide through “immediacy,” outcomes are more positive for both individuals. To prevent further harm to relationships, therapy may help individuals develop prevention plans that stop harm in its tracks and build a stronger coping strategy together.
You may wonder why this is a topic for the publication. Divorces are rising at astronomical rates in some cultures, and prevention has become the gold standard for reducing betrayal, infidelity, and many other obstacles that lead to separation. In society, we face pressures that strain relationships, such as work-life balance issues, when work becomes the primary focus instead of fostering a stronger bond. Couples often fall into a routine and forget the importance of regular dates, which helps each partner learn who they love in those moments. Social media plays a significant role in the pressures of relationships, as everything posted often appears so perfect and creates unrealistic goals to strive for. I struggled with seeing many of my peers getting married or buying a home together on social media and wondered why I was not at that stage. I hope to find someone open to those things, including marriage, as these are important to some, and I know that building a lasting future with a partner is something I want, but it is not currently the focus of my life. I am not sure how I will feel in three or even ten years, but I know that right now, I have general relationship goals, and if I cannot meet those, I will have to make a plan to either compromise or leave on a positive note.
Communication is not only essential but also the foundation of successful relationships. If partners do not feel open enough or vulnerable, it can lead to patterns or issues that are not addressed. Creating a safe space for your partner, without judgment, to share their flaws, creates an unbreakable bond. How have you felt when someone has made you feel safe to share the deepest parts of you? Did it feel beneficial to share those things with someone you love? When you start couples therapy, communication is often the first focus, establishing healthy ways to communicate and express yourself without judgment or fear that saying the wrong thing will ruin everything. Sharing is not only beneficial for yourself, but it also fosters understanding, allowing your partner to support you in times of need when things get rough. Relationship counseling helps partners establish ways to express their feelings more effectively and understand their origins better. It not only allows for feelings but also creates healthy ways to express conflict and listen more effectively, rather than waiting to respond. It enables the development of skills that allow for a precise and timely response in critical moments.
Learning active listening won’t just benefit your relationship, but it will also help your professional and social relationships. When we actively listen, we develop the skills to respond accurately with what needs to be said and what we are thinking collaboratively. Skills that enhance active listening can include understanding body language, recognizing language fluctuations, and asking relevant questions, as well as responding on topic when asked for support. Paying attention when listening to a partner is essential. In a world where more people are discovering neurodiversity, therapy can help individuals develop skills to overcome obstacles as a team, rather than struggling on their own. Relevant questions are essential because of the timing of responses. When you respond, you do not want to rush the answer, but focus on the clarity of the response and thoroughly address what your thoughts are and what may have triggered those feelings/thoughts. Asking one question at a time allows the other person to respond, so make that a priority in your communication when speaking with a partner. Body language can teach us a great deal about conversation. Is your partner avoiding eye contact or turning away? This can signal a lack of interest in conversion, or their arms may be crossed, which could indicate frustration. When paying attention to cues, you learn how to adjust your communication to engage more effectively. Therapy can help address these skills by analyzing current body language in real-time when communicating and creating ways to be more active in the conversation. You may also benefit from learning cues. This moment may not be the right time to discuss what’s on your mind, so scheduling a time when it’s beneficial to both parties can help achieve better outcomes.
Expressing needs shows genuine care and concern for one another. Letting someone in is hard and looks pretty daunting, but by doing so, you not only express what you need but also advocate for closeness when loneliness has become an epidemic in today’s world. Couples struggle to express their needs because some people may feel “needy” or a “burden”. Everyone has needs, and merely meeting bare survival needs is never enough. Every partner should have their needs met to the best of the other’s ability. Assuming your partner knows your needs can hurt everyone in the situation. Mind readers do not exist, even with people who are perceptive of one’s needs, does not constitute the refusal to communicate. Fear of rejection can damage trust and ultimately lead to the end of a relationship. Creating a safe space free of judgment where a partner can share without the fear of rejection offers reassurance that, together, anything can be accomplished as a team. Conflict is not destructive in a society; conflict is viewed as a “bad” thing when in reality it is a way to solve a need or issue that arises. Harriet B. Braiker, who is a clinical psychologist, states, “Conflict avoidance is not the hallmark of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom of serious problems and poor communication.”
Expressing needs is a form of productive communication. Proper emotion regulation is a skill that helps individuals identify and express their feelings effectively. It is hard to determine what we are feeling, and from a young age, many are taught that feelings are “bad,” so we learn ways to avoid them. Therapy will teach individuals about “I” statements instead of positioning the conflict by saying things like “You made me feel lonely by not answering me or spending time with me”. A healthy way to express this according to therapy principles would look something like this “I feel lonely lately I hope we can address this by leaning into quality time and having conversations about our lives inside and outside of the relationship, this has added stress to me because I have not had an outlet in the relationship where I feel supported”. For the longest time, I struggled to identify my own needs and failed ot use I statements. Since learning this skill, I have been able to advocate for many needs being met, not just in relationships, but also in everything that shapes my day-to-day life and goals. Direct communication ensures that nothing is misunderstood, and asking for clarification if something is not understood helps to meet those needs. As discussed earlier, no one is a mind reader, so try your hardest to be precise and direct.
Communicating has become a common topic in this post, but breaking negative communication cycles is paramount to the success of expression and emotional safety. One everyday negative communication style is stonewalling. Stonewalling can be defined as the act of “shutting down and refusing to address communication during conflict”. By not addressing the conflict, one may leave their partner feeling alone, creating frustration and fear of future disagreements that may not be addressed. This practice is extremely toxic and highly ineffective. Stonewalling is often known as the silent treatment and is considered a form of domestic abuse. You can read more about why this practice is abusive here. Criticism is not always negative, but repeated criticism can lead to feelings of being lost and discouraged in relationships. Always feeling “wrong” can lead to someone feeling inadequate or not enough to meet their partner’s needs. Try to offer constructive feedback instead in healthy ways such as saying things like “I think we should try addressing our needs by scheduling time as often when we try and address them right ways leads to arguments, I want us to have time to think about this topic which may be a better outcome for us both and we can work through it better”. This not only addresses the flaw in conflict but allows each person to think about a better and more collaborative way to approach negative communication cycles. In John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” he discusses the four ways of negative communication which often show up in relationships. Those four negative communication styles include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When we break patterns, we feel empowered to continue the work. Have you ever felt a sense of accomplishment when you achieved a goal? Think of those feelings and use them as motivation to not only experience them yourself but also to allow your partner to feel them as well.
Every individual has a unique communication style. Learning from your partners will bring value to how you communicate and enable conversations and arguments to be more effective. Like earlier addressed arguments are ot a bad thing when done correctly and respectfully. When communicating, it is essential to maintain a calm and respectful tone that does not come across as defensive or aggressive. Here are some communication styles your partner may have.
This style involves expressing your needs and opinions clearly and respectfully, while also acknowledging and valuing the perspectives of others.
Assertive communicators are direct, honest, and confident in their interactions.
They can stand up for themselves without being aggressive or dominating.
Example: “I understand your point of view, but I have a different idea. Can we discuss it?”
Aggressive communicators tend to dominate conversations, disregard others’ opinions, and may use forceful or confrontational language.
They often prioritize their own needs and feelings over those of others, sometimes resorting to verbal attacks or intimidation.
Example: “That’s a stupid idea! You’re wrong, and here’s why...”
Passive communicators often avoid conflict and prioritize the needs of others over their own.
They may have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings, often using vague language or passive body language.
They may agree with others even when they disagree, to avoid confrontation.
Example: “Whatever you want to do is fine with me,” even when they have a strong preference.
4. Passive-Aggressive Communication:
This style combines elements of passive and aggressive communication.
Passive-aggressive communicators may avoid confrontation but express their negative feelings indirectly through actions such as sarcasm, subtle insults, or delayed responses.
Example: Making sarcastic comments about someone’s idea or muttering under their breath when they disagree with a decision.
When talking with your partner, do you want to identify their communication preference so you can understand their perspective a little better? Observe and learn how they communicate both verbally and nonverbally. Talk openly about your communication. Have a conversation early on about their preference. Therapy together can help identify these issues if they have become a problem when trying to meet understandings. Be able to challenge your flexibility and adapt as the conversation progresses. Therapy can help you speak more openly with your partner and adjust to the styles you use, as well as communicate more effectively with them. Always be direct unless your partner needs nuance to make connections. Often, some people may prefer nuance so they can reach their conclusions. Showing interest in what they are saying, as we discussed earlier, being an active listener is very important. You shouldn’t wait to respond, but rather think about what you want to contribute to the conversation. Always respect their style and understand them; changing someone’s style never works.
Now you understand just a few aspects of why relationship counseling can benefit romantic relationships. If you are considering relationship counselling, what is your take on what we discussed here today?